A 'Bloggers' Shift of Focus

I have given so much thought to things lately.  Have you ever wondered WOW, how did I end up here??  I guess that is what I have been doing lately, searching for what drives me but always coming up empty.  Sure I have plenty to be thankful for, but I also have plenty to wonder WHY ME!?!  I'm sure we all have those days, but for some reason, I think I'm throwing in the towel, I can't fight life anymore!  I'm at a crossroads do stand up and face life head on, or do I lay down and let it run over me like an 18-wheeler?  Its been some time since I posted so I figure I should give you a quick run down on how things have been here, of course in true bullet form (God knows I love a list).

• My journey to God has been spinning in circles, yes I trust in the LORD with everything I have but when he makes life so chaotic I find it hard to focus on him.
• My 6 year old son, LoLo is autistic, he had been doing really well!!  Lately he is combative, disruptive, and falling behind in school on the 3rd week!  Yes he's verbal and I'm so thankful for that, plus he's in a regular classroom!  However, he isn't getting services anymore like he should and that will STOP soon, even if this momma bear has to go postal on someone.
• My 3 year old son, Booger, has been formally diagnosed as ADHD (the most severe form) and takes Ritalin 3 times a day, yes 3 small doses, don't judge me, if your son was tearing apart the walls and peeing on everything you would medicate too, not to mention clawing people face's!!
• My husband, Big B, has been promoted at work, thanks for him finally treating his ADD again!  I'm in a world of special little brains in my home, I often wonder if I'm the normal brain or if they are?
• I opened my own business!!  Had great success, then closed my own business which we will get to on the reason why.
• I lost and gained and lost and gained about 25 pounds in the course of a year!  Again reason to come!
• Here come the zingers!  On April 2, 2012 I had a partial hysterectomy!  I was 29 years old, I really thought I wanted it just as much as I needed it, but then BAM I realized no more babies, it was final the big family I always dreamed of would never happen.   This is one reason for all the weight gain!
• I started Advocare, it was a miracle, but a very expensive miracle!!  This is the reason for my weight loss, and then more weight gain!
• On August 28,2013 I was at my regular check-up at the lady doctor and she found the dreaded lump!  Mind you this was only a month ago!  Since then I went through a series of test I have had a mammogram, MRI, Ultrasound, trip to MD Anderson the best cancer hospital ever, another mammogram, another ultrasound and 14!!! core needle biopsies and FNA biopsies.  I found out a few days ago that it was not cancerous!!!  I have a large radial scar, which I'm apparently too young for at the ripe old age of 30!  The reason I closed my business is so I could focus on all this!
•   I may still have to have surgery to have this radial scar, which really isn't even a scar, removed.  Apparently if they didn't get good biopsies of the back side of the scar or center then there is a chance it could still be cancer.  I haven't told my family all that!  Lets just let my momma think its all peaches and creams right now. 

As you can see, with all this I find myself questioning so much, and they tell me I need less stress!  Seriously I would have to run away and live my days on an island complete with Dr. Pepper on tap and enough fast food restaurants to cater to my specific needs at any moment!  A woman can dream right??  So what do I do?  I don't know anymore, get down on my knees and pray?  Pray for what, where do I start, how do I know he's listening??  How can I be so strong for everyone else, and still motivate myself??  I guess all I can do is wake up tomorrow and try again, and again.  Diet and exercise is what the doctor said, in fact a special anti-cancer diet is my new destiny and trying to fit in the time for a few workouts, oh and I'm now a cub scout den leader!!  Not sure how I ended up on that one either.  So if anyone out there reads this, HELP!  How do I keep going??